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On Being Loved

It has been difficult finding time to devote to doing anything physical (running, painting, writing, etc.) daily – even my eating habits are all over the place.  This is a dangerous place for an introvert to be, especially when my graduation hangs on the line.  After organizing a Souper Bowl party for Sunday, Christian Unity Night on Monday, then preparing for Campus Alpha on Tuesday, this week has already been a nightmare.  In our delirium Tuesday night my friend taught me how to sit on a railing and I challenged his authority and sat on the railing the way I wanted/envisioned.  While getting up was a little challenging I successfully made it, but coming down is the hardest.  I fell flat on all my appendages, and forehead, and my left knee is severely bruised as well as parts of my arms and hip (and bum!) with cuts on my palms.  In the midst of tears from laughing too hard I heard a voice from deep within that caught me a little off guard, “Slow down.”  What?  Why!  Let me tell you why:

February is a cheesy month not only because it has such few days so early in the year, but people are hung up on love.  I know what it is to be beloved.  Love is God, but I have been wrestling lately with the fact that I am not a very accepting person.  I don’t like having to accept people’s help unless I go to them and ask for it.  I don’t like being constantly surrounded by people, noise, lights.  The most difficult thing for me to grasp is that I can be loved whether or not I accept it.  That’s the hardest part: accepting love.  It was so easy for me to give, and give and give some more of myself to others for a higher purpose, but I gave so much that I was left with so little.  Henri Nouwen had to remind me on twitter:

All I needed was more than a thank you, I needed an embrace and an assurance.  I needed all my anxieties to be put to rest, for my overworked and hurting heart to be still.  I have to learn that I was built to need a hefty recovery period, and that it is okay to be restored.  It is okay to love and it is necessary to rest in the love given by others.

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